Monday, November 14, 2011

My Week of Avoidance

This is how I've felt and behaved over the past week/weekend.
Cover up with a blanket, lay around, and avoid life.
(Things my dog, Daphne, does regularly.)

I’ve stayed away from my computer for the past week (at least).  I see it sitting on my kitchen table and I busy myself doing other things (such as sitting on my butt in front of the TV). 

The computer screams at my conscience, “You should be writing!  Get over here and do something.  You call yourself a writer?  You’re just a joke!”

I know, mean, right?  My computer’s got a nasty little attitude.   No wonder I avoid it.

Seriously though, the more the guilt weighs heavy on my shoulders, the more I block out my computer’s obnoxious little taunts.  I know I should be writing.  Heck, I’ve even had the time to do it.  So what’s my problem?

I’m pretty positive that I suck.  Yep.  I’m in the middle of a self-loathing pity party and I’m struggling to get out. 

Now, the event that brought this on wasn’t particularly cruel feedback.  In fact, that isn’t it at all.  The problem is that I’ve finished my first revisions on the first half of my book and it’s completely changed my plans for the second half.  Not just the “plans” for the second half because it’s already been written.  I’m talking about a massive, massive revision.  A second half overhaul. 

And I have no idea where to begin.  Scary, huh?

So instead, I’ve lost myself in a Samantha Who marathon, courtesy of Netflix, and a romance novel, which truth be told, wasn’t great.  All in my quest to avoid what I’m terrified to face. 

Because what if it sucks?  What if, after writing a pretty good first half, I turn the ending into complete crap?  What if none of it flows together?  What if I have to rewrite everything?  I already invested my heart into it.  To change it hurts like Hell. 

I’m such a coward. 

And isn’t it funny how self-doubt in writing can seep into other aspects of our life?  Because I’m also pretty positive that I suck at my job, as a wife, as a friend, etc.  And all of it just makes me miss my family and friends, which increases an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. 

At least I have Garrett.  My rock.  I’m lucky I have a wonderful, understanding husband.

So.  What am I going to do? 

I have the next week off for Thanksgiving.  I have no excuses not to work.  I may need some serious encouragement though.  I’m not going to lie.  A boost to my ego right now would be appreciated. 

I need to call my mom and my sister and my closest friends, Jill and Laura.  Sometimes we avoid contacting the people we love when we’re down because we don’t want to burden them.  But man, I miss them and I need to remember why I don’t suck (even though Garrett assures me over and over that I don’t).  And I need to hear the great things that are happening in their lives.  I need to just get over myself.

And for God’s sake, just WRITE!

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